"I have to learn to relate everything to the master ambition, and to maintain it without any cessation. My worth to God in public is what I am in private. Is my master ambition to please Him and be acceptable to Him, or is it something less, no matter how noble?"
This hits me on a variety of levels:
Worth to God
in Public
in Private
My ambition is to be worth something to God. I want my public life to be a constant factor in this worth. I want my private life, that no one sees, to be close to God, to be lived the way that is pleasing to Him, and to be mirrored in my public life. That is my desire, but it begs several questions as I look at how I actually live in both arenas.
Do I actually know God enough to see what is worth to Him?
Does my limited understanding of God, and unsureness of who it is that I am trying to serve, spill over into my self-assured public life?
Can I push past my public image, that I have tried for so long to cultivate?
Self examination is hard, if done in a truthful manner. My life is still full of questions. The more I try to pray, study and meditate on my life, the more I know that I don't know.
Almost everyone that I am around these days seems outwardly to have assurance and piety, while all I have are questions. Is it just me?
My prayer today is for God to be who and what He wants to be in my life and for me to know that. Help!
I can relate! The closer we come to God the more aware we become of how inadequate, ignorant, unsure, unprepared, and unholy we are. That's why at such times I must go to the Cross. We must preach the gospel to ourselves daily: I am in desperate need, and he is infinitely sufficient for all my need. Robert Murray M'Cheyne used to say, "For every look at self, take ten looks at Christ."
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